Chapter 10: Bringing Up Difficult Issues

Confrontation: (Noun) - the act of bringing something out into the open.  Unlike the hostile connotation that the image has in the general public, in the helping industry, confrontation means matter-of-factly bringing something out to gain a better understanding and perhaps make meaningful  changes or take important new steps.

The textbook states that the use of confrontation in the helping arena is a strategic decision used when you have reason for concern, such as:

• concern for the well-being of your client
• fear that the client will do something harmful
• destructive thoughts or behavior by the client
• someone interfering with your ability to perform your job

Confrontation is not always negative.  In fact, when used correctly, it can be a very powerful tool to help both you and your client in explorations and resolutions. So, when do we use it?

• Discrepancies: when the client communicates 2 different messages
• The client says one thing but does another
• The client has one perception of events or circumstances and you have another
• The client tells you one thing, but the client's body language sends a very different message
• The client purports to hold certain values, but the client's behavior violates those values
• The client has unrealistic expectations for you
• The client has unrealistic expectations for themselves
• The client asks for assistance, but actions indicate the client is not interested
• The client's behavior is contradictory.

The I-Message in Confrontation

The term, "I-message" was coined by Dr. Thomas Gordon because it avoids the use of "you" which is accusatory and instead uses the words "I" and "Me"; the problem is, after all, yours.  There are 4 parts to a complete I-message:

1. Your concerns/feelings/observations about the situation
2. A non-blaming description of what you have seen or heard of the behavior
3. The tangible outcome for you as a result or the possible consequences for the client
4. An invitation to collaborate on a solution

The Rules for Confrontation

Yes, just like everything else in life, there are rules...these rules are meant to make the I-message more listener friendly and less threatening.

• Be mater of fact - not judgmental or excited
• Be tentative - remember that you can be wrong
• Take full responsibility for your observations
• Always collaborate
• Do not accuse the other person
• Do not confront because you are angry
• Do not be judgmental
• Do not give clients a solution
• Instead, ask permission to share ideas with the client and be prepared with more than one so that the client feels that they have a choice.

Advocate!

When someone is interfering with your client's treatment or your ability to interact with the client, their progress is being effected. When this happens, advocate for your client. Speak up! But, follow the rules:

• Do not sound tentative
• Be pleasant but firm; smile but mean every word that you say
• Contain an implied or explicit request for help
• remain firm but diplomatic

Avoid ineffective I-messages

Think the I-message through and do not imply opinions or values of your own.  There are 5 common ways that we can make an I-message ineffective:

1. Using the words "but" or "however"
2. Failure to invite the client to describe how he or she sees the situation
3. Suggesting a solution without asking client their solution
4. Implying that our view of the situation is the only way to view the situation
5. Failure to consider the possibility of extenuating circumstances that you are not privy to

In other news...

Dr. Barton Goldsmith offers excellent advice in his column in Psychology Today.  Whether you be in the helping field or just trying to broach a difficult topic with a family member or friend, 10 Tools To Deal With Difficult Conversations is a must read!

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

I understand that you is the verbal pointing and/or wagging of a finger but I wonder isn't I sometimes just as ineffective?  I would think that "I" could imply that you are making everything about you and could do equal amounts of harm to the session, is there room for both, a healthy mix, in the helping field?